This I Know to Be True?

I lie. I tell "white" lies, make up random myths, and create facts to back up a story I am telling. To capture and maintain the attention of others, win an argument, or just entertain myself, I will fabricate whole pieces of history if need be.

But I truly believe when I am saying these things (like the sun produces both vitamin D and E) that they are true. Never am I able to name my source, yet there remains for every story out of my mouth a distinct memory somewhere in the dusty corners of my mind, blindly reasurring me of what I preach. Never does the thought cross my mind that the people listening to me think I'm stupid, crazy, or both.

Below is a list of things I once "knew" or "know" to be truthful, things I have picked up along the way. I'm not implying the following is completely false—some of this stuff could be true. I just take my word for it.

• There is a lymph node by the elbow, and when one has syphilis, that lymph node swells. That is why some people today grab the elbow when they shake hands with others; in a time when syphilis infected many people, fathers would take a hold of a man's elbow while shaking his hand if he was to court his daughter.
• The sun produces vitamin D and E.
• The body does not digest cheese while asleep.
• LA will no longer be inhabitable in 20 years (the first time I said this was probably 10 years ago).
• Defend yourself against a shark by sticking your hand in its gill.
• The ancient Romans lived very long lives because of the red wine they drank; it preserved their organs.
• Benadryl doesn't affect your liver.
• Women are the largest minority in the United States.
• The battle at Gettysburg started over shoes (check Ken Burns' documentary "The Civil War;" yet some still dispute this oversimplified truth).
• Mad Cow disease can remain dormant in one's system for up to 40 years; because of this, many elderly people who die with Alzheimer's never have autopsies performed on them—their loved ones assume dementia and old age have done the work, when really the culprit could be beef they ate years and years ago.
• The biggest reason men kill is to get back at their wives or girlfriends; therefore the victims are usually children in the family.
• Tequila works as an antiseptic for potential food poisoning caused by shellfish.
• Walt Disney's head is frozen.
• The aluminum in antiperspirant causes breast cancer.
• The body does not digest corn.
• The Three Stooges were the first comedians to publicly make fun of Hitler.

While I cannot vouch for any of these facts and statements (besides the Civil War/shoes bit), I take them to heart. You should, too. Why people doubt me, I have no idea; doesn't the information above sound right? Either way, I'm shooting tequila with Benadryl when I eat prawns, never having children, and grabbing an elbow the next time I meet a man for a friend (I've checked out my boyfriend's, he's clean).